July 6, 2010
10:46 PM
I am mad!
I’m mad with you, my brother.
I’m mad at you because you are so selfish. I hate you for being so irresponsible and being so dependent. How could you do this to me? How could you impregnate your girlfriend without even thinking you cannot even afford to feed her for a week! And now, you act like everything’s alright and it is me whose getting a lot of pressure and worries and problems? You even asked your ex-girlfriend for the two of you to be together. How lame! How immature! #@!*&%! What lies did you promised with this pregnant girl?
I am mad with you, my father.
Why is he so close-minded? Why on earth would he stop understanding the situation? Why is he too ashamed to face reality that his son had his girlfriend pregnant out of wedlock? Would that matter if you're a servant of the Church and you didn’t care what your future grandchild’s gonna be like? Why would you just let your daughter take care of everything? Couldn’t you understand that she cannot handle everything?
For heaven’s sake why did you let yourself get pregnant? What were you thinking? Do you think you’ll depend with your family for the rest of your life? Do you think this guy who got pregnant will eventually marry you? Do you think he’s matured enough to handle things such this? You know, you’re so stupid. I am actually asking where you brain is at! What did you tell your parents? What assurances did you make with them to just leave you here with me with that very delicate condition?
I hate this part right here. (Pussycat Doll)
I hate it!
I am getting miserable with it!
Where’s my previous life? Where’s the previous me? Help! I’m drowning. My tears are swallowing me.
Late this afternoon, I run through the mobile number of my Aunt (My Mom’s Sister) and called her. She was surprised by the call and a pang of worry has struck her when she heard my voice. I was terribly crying. I don’t care if she sensed my trembling voice but I must talk to her. Her soothing voice which is almost identical as Mom’s, has moved me more to tears. I cannot fight it. I am hopeless. She tried to console me. And I said I am okay (even if I am not). And the other line ends with the beep, she must end the call to do her errands.
I sat on my swivel chair, sobbing.
I kept thinking, how would could everything be if only Mom was still alive? Wouldn’t my brother be a father? Would Daddy understand? Would I be happy? If only she’s alive, I know she wouldn’t let the girl stay with me. I am pretty sure she’ll beat the hell out of my brother’s immaturity. I am definitely sure that I am at peace and I fell full security.
But Mom’s in heaven. There’s nothing I can do about that.
Thus, this means I’m the only sane person who can handle this.
(Isang malalim na buntong hininga.)
Carry ko ‘to. Kakayanin ko.
I can manage to have this girl deliver her baby safely. Have them stay here for few more weeks and send both of them home. Simple, but I do not know if I can get through with it alive. (Isang malalim na buntong hininga ulit)
Aladdin, could you please lend me your magic carpet? Could you take me to the island where Cast Away was shot? Please?
God, please guide me. I lift this up to you.
(Sobs).
